The Narcissistic Lover

A man with a narcissistic personality can wreak more havoc in your life than you would have ever thought possible. When you go out the first few dates with a narcissistic man he can be incredibly charming and over the top demonstrative. Often successful and meticulous about his appearance he is will stop at nothing to win you over. 

This type of man often has a history of short relationships and a trail of broken hearts. When a narcissist initially falls for you, he falls hard. Convinced that he has met the woman of his dreams, he promises you the world. He's the guy who shows up with dozens of roses along with promises of undying love and eternal commitment.

The narcissistic man has a finely honed fantasy image of his ideal woman which you and every other woman are compared to. When he meets a woman that he deems worthy to temporarily paint into his fantasy image he will court her in a way that is hard even for smart, intelligent women to resist. If you can maintain your head amidst the fairy tale world you have stepped into, you may notice that the incredibly pampering things that he does for you are the things that he actually wants for himself. For instance, it you love shrimp but he loves lobster…guess what he will whip up for you? The biggest best lobster he can find…which seems incredible until you realize that you told him that your favorite thing in the world was shrimp. He pretended that he didn’t hear you; he is the ultimate authority now on what you like and don’t like.

This is the same guy who in a short time will grow to resent you for not being appreciative enough of all he has done for you (no matter how appreciative you are, you could never be appreciative enough). The trouble is that a narcissistic man has an internal sucking vortex of neediness for admiration, appreciation, and special attention. No matter what you do to make things special for him, he will remember the times that you didn’t do something he wanted. It’s quite likely that he never told you what he wanted, but if you were the perfect woman he thought you were you would know his every wish, desire, want and need.

With his finely tooled skills at getting his needs met, he will maneuver you away from family and friends. He’s quite accomplished at making your newly isolated life with him appear to be the perfect scenario for both of you. He pampers you into submission and once he has you where he wants you, look out. The narcissistic man can be equally as ugly as he once was charming.

Narcissistic men are often described as emotional vampires. They prey on their victims, seduce them, and then literally suck the life out of them (all the while tearing them down) until the woman barely has the strength to run. Narcissistic men are master manipulators. Early on he will learn what you need and want; what makes you tick. You could be quite easily deceived into believing that his lavish displays of attention are because he loves you and just wants the two of you to be as close as possible. Sadly narcissistic men are for the most part unable to engage in emotional intimacy. They do not know how to love, love is simply a feeling they get when they have a source to temporarily fill up the dark emptiness inside.

Your relationship is literally all about him. Before long he will tell you what you think, feel, and perceive with such authority that you might for a minute think that he may know you better than you know yourself. When your relationship ends…six months, three years, even ten years later he will be out on a date so fast it will make your head spin. He is empty and must find another source to survive.

Rather than telling you that he is the luckiest guy in the world, he’ll ask “Are you the luckiest woman in the world?” Crazy as it sounds he believes it. As long as you conform to his internalized ideal woman he will continue to shower you with affection. The problem is that every time you go along, rather than express your own truth, he becomes more and more convinced of his ability to mold you into who he needs you to be. This dynamic can only go on for so long before you begin to lose sight of who you are. The smart, confident woman who came into this relationship slips away little by little, day by day until one day you are hit with the stark realization that along the way you have lost yourself. You have sacrificed so much for him, yet he tells you that you never did anything for him and that you don’t appreciate anything.

Narcissistic men are quite cunning about getting their needs met and can justify any means to that end. A Narcissistic man often has “friend” relationships with old girl friends and flirtatious encounters with other women that he keeps in the wings just in case you don’t measure up. It is impossible to measure up when you are with a narcissistic man. He will continue to move the target in his attempt to gain power over you. He will continue to invalidate you and trivialize your accomplishments as he moves more and more away from you to have his needs met elsewhere.

A narcissistic man is a guy who never grew up emotionally, many have the emotional maturity of a  7-8 year old. The narcissist doesn’t know how to be ok unless he is literally sucking the life force out of someone. When his needs aren’t met he has a tendency to whip up all sorts of drama to get what he wants. At the end of the day he will project all his bad behavior and emotional shortcomings on you. He will likely describe you as selfish, unappreciative, a drama queen, uncaring, insensitive etc. Generally he will describe himself to you as he accuses you being those things. It doesn’t matter what you do….the more you do for him, the more he expects until there is very little of you left.

If you are a nurturing, caring, kind, beautiful, smart, sexy woman BEWARE! You are the perfect target for an emotional vampire. His ways are cunning and crafty and you will likely still be shaking your head in disbelief six months after he has moved on and obtained his next source…he will be absolutely SURE she is the perfect woman…the woman of his dreams. It all goes terribly bad when he discovers that she, like you, is actually a real person and not the ever adoring pet that he was hoping for.

Dr. Denise Dart

Dr. Denise Dart is a transformational consultant on a mission to educate and empower women to recognize, break free, and recover from toxic emotionally abusive relationships. Through education and advocacy she works tirelessly to empower individuals with the knowledge and skills necessary to avoid abusive relationships once and for all.

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Sam - a few months ago Reply

Thank you. You have been so helpful. You just have a special way of making things make sense and you do it with love and compassion. Thank you!

Missy D - last month Reply

Dear Dr. Denise:

I wanted to start off by thanking you for all the time you dedicate to helping women like myself who are survivors of narcissist abuse. I was with a narcissist for 13 years.

I personally never knew about narcissism or what NPDs. Never in a million years did I know that I was with one. I have firsthand experienced every flaw that comes along with NPD. I have been cheated on, isolated, disrespected, gas lighted, crazy maker, stonewalled, lost my self-confidence, self-esteem, have been bitten, hand twisted, and used. Just to name a few.

He had total control of my life and my every move. He isolated me from my family. I was robbed of the holidays.
I couldn’t celebrated Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s or my birthday for that matter. I was manipulated to placing a tracking device on my cell phone and he went so far as telling me that I had to install an application on my phone so he can read every text I sent / received, every call I made / received and see all my pictures.

He broke up with me at the drop of a dime and more times than I can count on my ten fingers. Every disagreement we had, he made sure to bring up my shortcomings and shift blame. I was always led to believe I was the problem and because it was ‘me’ I would have to cry and beg for his forgiveness knowing I did nothing wrong. I wanted him to take me back because I could not imagine my life without him. He would drag arguments out for days, weeks or months. He was truly entertained by watching me cry and beg. And on top of that I would have to come up with a ‘solution’ in order for him to take me back.

See I never knew I was being emotionally abused and at the early stages of physical abuse. I just thought we argued (allot) and it was part of being in a relationship. Until one day one of my girlfriends told me, the way he treats you is not right. And I would make excuses for him. How I added fuel to the fire because “I shouldn’t have said what I said.” I should of just kept walking on those darn eggshells and feel like I was losing my mind. She truly opened my eyes.

The very last time he broke up with me was because I went to my local Best Buy to pick up a Apple watch that I paid for with my money and wanted so badly wanted. So I left my cell phone tracking device at home. I didn’t want to ask for permission to go, I didn’t want to explain my purchase to him and go through the 20 questions of WHY. So dummy me, I would have a new watch right? Ah yeah.. and when he saw the watch he was livid. So of course I am a no good liar. I knew he would be angry at me for leaving MY home that I pay for without his permission and to avoid an argument I didn’t ask for permission. And when he asked me why I was dishonest. I told him because I was afraid of him and that I knew he would be angry with me. So… He broke up with me. And that was the last time he would ever break up with me again. I told myself, Michelle this is your sign from God that it is time. It is (apple I watch) time for you to end this. I self-consciously told myself, you have to end this. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You don’t deserve this. You deserve soooo much better.

Dr. Denise, I have spent countless hours watching YouTube watching videos, doing research on the internet about narcissism and emotional abuse and the denial that comes along with it is just as painful as learning that you were in such a toxic vile relationship with the man you loved the most. I cried and I cried some more. I begged God to heal me and to make the pain go away. I asked God to protect my heart and to help my head protect my heart. I begged God to help me not want him or miss him anymore. And he has answered me. But the devil comes back in sheep’s clothing with the hovering.

Sorry I got derailed, my point about YouTube. I found you! Finally all those hours of searching and watching YouTube finally paid off. I watched your video “Is Your Relationship Suffocating You?” and I was hooked. I have watched many (and I mean many) of your videos.

Dr. Denise I have been out of the emotionally abusive relationship with the narcissist going on 9 months. And I know some women say my narcissist ,” but I do not want to call him mine, because I cannot call anything that is toxic in this world mine. I am so grateful to God that the narcissist did me the honor of breaking up with me. The hologram bars are gone. I am set free. I am being honest, I have had some interactions with him and proud to say he has not re-hooked me.
But as I sit here and write you this, can you please on being forced to have a tracking device on your phone and your perspective about having your phone monitored like a teenager. I know that I am not the only woman this craziness has happened too. When you hear someone talk about what you have been through, it helps you realize that you were not crazy.

On closing.. I appreciate you. And thank you for your YouTube videos.

Sincerely,

Me.

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